I went on Twitter for thirty seconds
Jan. 25th, 2019 07:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
felinejumperto find my entire twitterverse (my irl friends that overlap with my ex-friend ex-boyfriend) retweeting a piece said ex wrote and recently published. This is, was, a piece that used to be partially about me, which I know because I gave them edits & permission to reference me.
so...the piece is out in an unexpected and quasi-prominent venue. I am not in it at all, nor is there even any *ghost* of me. I want to say something articulate and clever about all writing being a lie, but lord, I have never been behind the scenes quite like this to see the stagecraft. It's a really public lie, even if a lie of omission, and I just...didn't know it was possible to erase someone like that. It means they had to go back through their piece and delete my name, delete the narrative structure about me, make it like I never existed, never made a ripple. So: ouch. And also: fuck you for being a narrative coward.
And there's some lemon, some salt in the wound, when it's my close friends and confidants! being like "wow beautiful" and they don't know it's all this, agh, partially fictitious construction of a story. [literally any John Silver gif here]
Should they care? Do I have to very carefully not tell anyone I was hurt by this thing they liked? Should I just keep salting this wound in the hopes that keeping it clean means the healing will happen faster? Do I have to keep generating empathy? Should I delete every social media account except dreamwidth? (This last seems like a...really good idea, actually).
And, aha, if I can ever manage to translate this particular flavor into fanfiction, I'm sorry in advance, it is a nasty set of feelings.
Oh god what if someone on dw posts it, I will absolutely lose it, silently and quietly and then crawl into a deep deep dark hole with my books FOREVER, but also maybe it would be useful to someone and, UGH, i hope that it is good for any number of people, I also hope I make a million dollars and fund the Trevor project completely and then they put my name on the list, discretely but still very obviously, and also I fix climate change, for vengeance reason, also maybe time for access locks, because, lol, arguably identifying information is involved
so...the piece is out in an unexpected and quasi-prominent venue. I am not in it at all, nor is there even any *ghost* of me. I want to say something articulate and clever about all writing being a lie, but lord, I have never been behind the scenes quite like this to see the stagecraft. It's a really public lie, even if a lie of omission, and I just...didn't know it was possible to erase someone like that. It means they had to go back through their piece and delete my name, delete the narrative structure about me, make it like I never existed, never made a ripple. So: ouch. And also: fuck you for being a narrative coward.
And there's some lemon, some salt in the wound, when it's my close friends and confidants! being like "wow beautiful" and they don't know it's all this, agh, partially fictitious construction of a story. [literally any John Silver gif here]
Should they care? Do I have to very carefully not tell anyone I was hurt by this thing they liked? Should I just keep salting this wound in the hopes that keeping it clean means the healing will happen faster? Do I have to keep generating empathy? Should I delete every social media account except dreamwidth? (This last seems like a...really good idea, actually).
And, aha, if I can ever manage to translate this particular flavor into fanfiction, I'm sorry in advance, it is a nasty set of feelings.
Oh god what if someone on dw posts it, I will absolutely lose it, silently and quietly and then crawl into a deep deep dark hole with my books FOREVER, but also maybe it would be useful to someone and, UGH, i hope that it is good for any number of people, I also hope I make a million dollars and fund the Trevor project completely and then they put my name on the list, discretely but still very obviously, and also I fix climate change, for vengeance reason, also maybe time for access locks, because, lol, arguably identifying information is involved
no subject
Date: 2019-01-26 03:49 am (UTC)*thoughtful*
You don't have to keep generating empathy. I've never seen this piece as far as I know, and I know the flip side of that--having written a piece that then became prominent about my feelings of loss about a person, and having had that person correctly identify herself and then make me fucking talk about it even after I was pretty sure we were done.
So like. It wasn't lies, but I have a lot of feelings about it. And I don't take it down because, well, all the shit you're feeling right now.
But I like you. And I don't know this piece, but I like you more than I like any one given piece, and it's quite possible I haven't seen it, and I would like to at least be able to give you warnings about it etc.
So like. If that is a thing you would like, you are not fucking letting the side down by talking about your feelings and your side of the stagecraft you see.
also if it's on scitwitter what lawks! I am behind on mine and haven't seen anything anyway so you can count me doubly safe in that venue. Assuming we have tweeps in common, which isn't exactly unlikely but god knows exactly who they are, etc etc.(no subject)
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