<3 I did it because it made me feel good to say, not because I expect you to pass it back--but I appreciate that, too!
I am not secretly Trista Mateer; the post in question was written under the name I am using here, going on ten years ago now. And at the end of the conversation, we were in exactly the place I'd been in before it--she just hadn't noticed or cared. I had tried to talk about the conflict in question, she didn't want to talk about it in any way I could understand, and I... vanished, is probably the best way to put it. It was very college and very fucked up.
The money quote that sparked the conversation that followed has since made it into one of the major books about asexuality, which I have... very conflicting feelings about, but it seemed to do some good for people reading it. And I doubt she'd be checking out something like that today.
(It was such a small thing to say, too--a postscript on a much longer blog post about a totally different topic in which I mentioned that I'd figured some things out and was stepping back from a relationship that was making me sad, and expressing relief about that decision. A sentence or two, and I thought she'd never bother looking at my blog--and she wouldn't have, except I ran into her on the street and let a split section of exhaustion and dread flash over my face before I came over to pretend everything was fine. What a mess.)
I've never written publicly about that particular aspect of that time in my life; it's always seemed unkind to do so, and while I'm in no way free of reservations about the things I did that contributed to the whole thing, I also don't think there was anything I could have done differently. It was that fucked up queer-woman-in-college thing so many of the people I know have gone through, except this was 2009-2011ish and I was trying to work out what I wanted and what I could have and whether I was going to be forever alone, and there was no way for me to figure those out except by trying. I don't have hard feelings, exactly, but then it's also been nearly eight years.
I have not seen the piece in question, but I'll keep that in mind if I do see something that matches that description!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-01-31 04:34 pm (UTC)I am not secretly Trista Mateer; the post in question was written under the name I am using here, going on ten years ago now. And at the end of the conversation, we were in exactly the place I'd been in before it--she just hadn't noticed or cared. I had tried to talk about the conflict in question, she didn't want to talk about it in any way I could understand, and I... vanished, is probably the best way to put it. It was very college and very fucked up.
The money quote that sparked the conversation that followed has since made it into one of the major books about asexuality, which I have... very conflicting feelings about, but it seemed to do some good for people reading it. And I doubt she'd be checking out something like that today.
(It was such a small thing to say, too--a postscript on a much longer blog post about a totally different topic in which I mentioned that I'd figured some things out and was stepping back from a relationship that was making me sad, and expressing relief about that decision. A sentence or two, and I thought she'd never bother looking at my blog--and she wouldn't have, except I ran into her on the street and let a split section of exhaustion and dread flash over my face before I came over to pretend everything was fine. What a mess.)
I've never written publicly about that particular aspect of that time in my life; it's always seemed unkind to do so, and while I'm in no way free of reservations about the things I did that contributed to the whole thing, I also don't think there was anything I could have done differently. It was that fucked up queer-woman-in-college thing so many of the people I know have gone through, except this was 2009-2011ish and I was trying to work out what I wanted and what I could have and whether I was going to be forever alone, and there was no way for me to figure those out except by trying. I don't have hard feelings, exactly, but then it's also been nearly eight years.
I have not seen the piece in question, but I'll keep that in mind if I do see something that matches that description!